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BREXIT made EASY

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Got a question about BREXIT? Then ask Bob anything you like. Get it straight from the mouth of Britain’s Leading BREXIT advisor. Hear the views and thoughts of the No. 10 Insider. Close confident of David Davis and a former employee of Mrs May’s Husband’s company Group 4 Total Security, Bob is the boy to ask about BREXIT. So Go On…ask him something. You could win a £10 Marks & Spencer’s Voucher.

Business on his Mind

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MAN WITH AN APPETITE: David Davis and the BREXIT GIRLS ® arrive in Brussels for the second round of four-day talks since the Referendum on June 23 last year. Dave brought along his new M-16 “Spy Briefcase Set” that will prevent the Europeans from seeing our Top Secret plans, not even with x-rays. After a lunch of Belgian asparagus, red mullet and meringue cake, Mr Davis had to return home with both Dee and Mindy (above) because he is very busy elsewhere, and let Permanent Secretary for the Department for Exiting the European Union, Oliver Robbins, do the talks. Given that the Europeans are putting lunch on our Exit Bill, our team made sure to get their money’s worth. Dave will be back in Brussels on Thursday at close of play in time to read a prepared statement by Mrs May.

BREXIT Hero Defiled

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DISGRACE: Cheap EU anti-British propaganda depicting BREXIT Hero Nigel Farage on a respirator.

Dear Bob, my wife and I are busy packing all our things and selling up our house in South-West France while we still have the chance. I am just back from our local Bar Tabac where I’ve been stocking up with cheap fags. I was in the midst of hiding them among the baby clothes when I froze dead in my tracks. Imagine my sheer horror when I happened to look at a packet of Samson (just €11.10 for a 40g pack) and who should be depicted on the cover but my personal Hero Nigel Farage. Here we have the very man who has allowed us all to breath the Free Air of England again but rather than place him on a plinth, they having lying comatose strapped up to a life-support machine. Can’t you do something, Bob?

PS: Does anyone in the Dordogne want a 14 year old golden retriever named Sally?

Sid, Périgueux

 

Dear Sid, I passed on your email to Boris and he’s going to write a very stiff letter to his opposite number in France (don’t know his name).

PS: send off the packet to CrimeStoppers (0800 555 111) and say you bought it cheap off a bloke in Wetherspoons. That should be good for a £10 M+S Voucher.

Putting Jobs First

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NO CONFUSION: The Right Honourable Michael Gove MP, Secretary of State for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (left) and the former children’s entertainer Pob wanted for questioning as part of Operation Yewtree (right).

Dear Bob, we are lucky enough to have the former children’s entertainer Pob (aka The Right Honourable Michael Gove) as our MP for Windlesham and as Britain’s newest Environment Secretary. We voted for him because of his firm stand on the environment and because we are planning to build 750 EIHs (Executive Investment Homes) around the Windlesham Bird Sanctuary. We are justly proud of our MPs’ voting record and, for those that don’t know, he led the bid to remove climate change from the geography curriculum in 2013, believes key EU rules – protecting anything from wildlife to air pollution – should be discarded. He backed the badger cull in Parliament in 2013, opposed the EU’s Habitats Directive, voted with the Government in 2015 when it slapped the climate change levy onto energy produced from renewable sources, and when Parliament voted on whether fracking companies should need environmental permits before drilling, our Mr Gove voted against, and that’s not to mention that he voted to sell off the nation’s remaining forests. So, hats off to the chap. However, I read the other day that Mr Gove believes that BREXIT will enable the UK to help make planet Earth a “greener, cleaner, better, richer” place, saying BREXIT is a “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity” for the UK to help make the world “greener, cleaner, better, richer” and for us to take a lead in the fight against climate change. So my question is: What’s Going On? Surely with daft statements like that he will lose the support of Mrs May. We voted for BREXIT because it will boost business and increase jobs locally not to pander to a load of lefty, bird-loving cranks.

Stephen, Windlesham

 

Dear Stephen, strange as it may seem, they are not the same person. I frequently mistake Mr Gove for Pob and vice-versa. However, Pob has been on the run for the past 18 months since being wanted for questioning in connection with Operation Yewtree, the police hunt for suspected celebrity child sexual abusers. So, if you do spot him, make sure to call CrimeStoppers on 0800 555 111. And remember, there’s a £20 M+S Voucher for every captured celebrity child abuser.

 

Get Out of Britain (Free)

Dear Bob, I am the Leader of our local Neighbourhood Watch and want to share a great idea with your Followers. Generally, I hang around our local supermarket and keep my eyes peeled for Europeans. When I spot them, I follow them home and make a note of their addresses on my Map (which I shall be publishing on The Big Day). Then at night I go round and push dog-doo through their letterboxes. I have also taken to smearing dog-do on the door handles of French and German cars. And then I had one of those light bulb above the head moments when I happened to read “The EU is blamed today for the anxiety felt by half a million children in Britain whose future residency rights are being used as “bargaining chips” in the Brexit talks”. So I had some flyers made up (see below) and now I hang around playgrounds and schools and thrust them into the hands of European children. What do you think, Bob?

MartinCP, Crank, Liverpool

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Dear MartinCP, I hope you didn’t spend a lot of money on these flyers because they contain a number of typos. For instance, “blood suckers” should be hyphenated and you have the repetition of the word “suck” in the same sentence. Also you spelt “benefits” wrong and can one literally jump to the front of a ladder? Otherwise looks good to me and I see no reason to involve CrimeStoppers on 0800 555 111 at this time.

Anarchy (Bong!) Anarchy (Bong!)

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THE GOOD OLD DAYS: back in the 1970s when Britain was Free and before the Europeans started to stick their garlicky noses into our business.

Dear Bob, back in the 70’s I was a punk rocker and I bloody loved it. (I still have the scars from all the safety pins in my Vivienne Westwood T-shirt.) We changed British music forever and we opened peoples eyes to the needs of youth but sadly it all seemed to come to nothing because everything just went back to normal and they carried on playing all that soft rubbish on the radio. So imagine my jubilation when I got the chance to vote in the EU Referendum and we could all bring Anarchy back to the UK. These days I wake up with a smile on my face almost every day. For instance, I read in The New Scientist that we’re going to pull out of the Euratom project meaning we won’t have any more nuclear power stations (except perhaps Chinese ones) and that all the lights are going to go out. And then it got even better when I read in my Daily Mail that all flights to and from Britain will be grounded the day after we leave Europe (and that it will take years and years to sort that mess out). Now, Bob, these things are only just starting to come out, one whole year after the Referendum, so I can’t wait to see what’s around the corner. There must be tons of things that people haven’t even thought about yet.

PS: The bloody Polish family downstairs keep complaining about my Po-Going, telling to me Keep It Down. Stuff ‘em. They shouldn’t have come here in the first place.

Vivian, Crawley

 

Dear Vivian, I just ran you through the Database and see that CrimeStoppers (0800 555 111) have been looking to interview you since 1975 about some slashed bus seats. So, fingers crossed re the £10 M+S Voucher.

UK-US Trade is so ‘Obvious’

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Captain Obvious who fronts a series of very funny advertisements on television.

Dear Readers, the note (below) was slipped under my door last night…

Norman

Dear Norman, thanks for your letter. It’s nice to receive real letters that come in the Post and something that we will all have to get used to again soon. I did try reporting you to CrimeStoppers on 0800 555 111 but you had gone by the time they got there so no £10 M+S Voucher on this occasion.